TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely from location. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let's have Yet another location wherever American Guys can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Anyone a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the venture, replied, "You know, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a characteristic currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after getting the creating's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Capabilities


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. Trump Tower Damascus A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where my PTSD might have change-down support."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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